I came pissed off from school today and ready to drop any intention of becoming an American psychologist in this lifetime. The Mexican license counts as a good accomplishment so far.
As much as my wonderful teacher this weekend tried to explain that, besides course work, giving 3,000 hours practice, plus this and that and more of that is a form of enhancing my soul and be fully prepared for my future Californian clients. I still see this as a process with no ending and many non-sense jumps. I spent few days winning around about the state requirements in California.
My usually powerful slogan of “one hour at a time” seems very week when I see my present and future with student loans, old cars and little tiny places to live for the next years.
My feelings of abundance are somewhere having a great vacation and my sense of humor maybe hanging out with them. I am afraid they did not leave a note about where to find them. I have left with pain, uncertainty and doubts about my commitment as a graduate student: “maybe is just too much for me”, “maybe I can be a happy person just blogging the rest of my life”. “At least here nobody ask me for any license . . . I hope”.
The truth is that I have the wonderful practicum place in mind and hope to get accepted in the near future and I know I’ll love my clients. Nevertheless, the goal of this post is to share my evening insights about experiencing anger and still be able to take care of myself. Two hour ago, I could not stop crying at the school library. One Carmen said, “lets go forever and hide in a cave” while other Carmen said, “Just clean your face and keep working, one day you will laugh about it”. It was tough to hide my face from others while running into my cave car. This time, I resisted the temptation of sharing my misery with people who cares about me; it is not their fault. I survived the temptations of inventing reasons to argue with whomever I would encounter, it is not their fault either. I also resisted the temptation of rage driving. (Ok, not very wise driving while sobbing but did so with extreme caution). I do not need to put others and myself at a risk, I thought. I also passed over the temptations of eating for the sake of eating, watching TV, ignoring my feelings or ruminating my complaints against the board of psychologist, (well, this last one is harder). I also refrained myself from any self-blame for having such crazy dreams of becoming psychologist again!
After I passed of those options with a conscious effort, the only ideas left were to write on my journal, pray, or share on this blog.
So far is working, I feel relaxed now. I know I saved myself from so many other negative consequences out there. None of the angry temptations is helpful to decrease any of the required 3,000 hours but they could increase my chance of never getting a license.
Well, I am going to pamper myself with a bath and a nice nap. Please manage the temptations of your envy, or better, pamper yourself . . . until the next post.